Nice try, though.

Wendy

(http://www.bitoffun.com/oneliners_why.htm)

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor,
and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why isn’t there a special name for the tops of your feet?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why is the man who invests all your money, called a broker?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why isn’t there mouse flavored cat food? There is fish flavored!

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address,
you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

If all is not lost, where is it?

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting?

Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat
and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

You know how most packages say “Open here”.
What is the protocol if the package says, “Open somewhere else”?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes,
why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

If a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

If you’re in a vehicle going the speed of light,
what happens when you turn on the headlights?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Why do they put Braille dotson the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment,
but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?

If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty liter?

How did a fool and his money get together?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?

If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?

What’s another word for thesaurus?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

What do they use to ship Styrofoam?

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

“Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.”
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If you’re cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist
but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages?

Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

If “Q” were castrated, would he become “O”?

If Superman could stop bullets with his chest,
why did he always duck when someone threw a gun at him?

Isn’t Disney World a people trap run by a mouse?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

Where does the fire go when the fire goes out?

What’s another word for synonym?

So what’s the speed of dark?

Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding,
what is it expanding into?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior
when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Why is it that in the US:
If you take off all your clothes and walk down the street waving a machete and firing an Uzi, terrified citizens will phone the police and report:    “There’s a naked person outside!”

Cancer is a modern, man-made disease caused by environmental factors such as pollution and diet, a study by University of Manchester scientists has strongly suggested.

The study of remains and literature from ancient Egypt and Greece and earlier periods – carried out at Manchester’s KNH Centre for Biomedical Egyptology and published in Nature – includes the first histological diagnosis of cancer in an Egyptian mummy.

Finding only one case of the disease in the investigation of hundreds of Egyptian mummies, with few references to cancer in literary evidence, proves that cancer was extremely rare in antiquity. The disease rate has risen massively since the Industrial Revolution, in particular childhood cancer – proving that the rise is not simply due to people living longer.

Professor Rosalie David, at the Faculty of Life Sciences, said: “In industrialised societies, cancer is second only to cardiovascular disease as a cause of death. But in ancient times, it was extremely rare. There is nothing in the natural environment that can cause cancer. So it has to be a man-made disease, down to pollution and changes to our diet and lifestyle.”

She added: “The important thing about our study is that it gives a historical perspective to this disease. We can make very clear statements on the cancer rates in societies because we have a full overview. We have looked at millennia, not one hundred years, and have masses of data.”

The data includes the first ever histological diagnosis of cancer in an Egyptian mummy by Professor Michael Zimmerman, a visiting Professor at the KNH Centre, who is based at the Villanova University in the US. He diagnosed rectal cancer in an unnamed mummy, an ‘ordinary’ person who had lived in the Dakhleh Oasis during the Ptolemaic period (200-400 CE).

Professor Zimmerman said: “In an ancient society lacking surgical intervention, evidence of cancer should remain in all cases. The virtual absence of malignancies in mummies must be interpreted as indicating their rarity in antiquity, indicating that cancer causing factors are limited to societies affected by modern industrialization”.

The team studied both mummified remains and literary evidence for ancient Egypt but only literary evidence for ancient Greece as there are no remains for this period, as well as medical studies of human and animal remains from earlier periods, going back to the age of the dinosaurs.

Evidence of cancer in animal fossils, non-human primates and early humans is scarce – a few dozen, mostly disputed, examples in animal fossils, although a metastatic cancer of unknown primary origin has been reported in an Edmontosaurus fossil while another study lists a number of possible neoplasms in fossil remains. Various malignancies have been reported in non-human primates but do not include many of the cancers most commonly identified in modern adult humans.

It has been suggested that the short life span of individuals in antiquity precluded the development of cancer. Although this statistical construct is true, individuals in ancient Egypt and Greece did live long enough to develop such diseases as atherosclerosis, Paget’s disease of bone, and osteoporosis, and, in modern populations, bone tumours primarily affect the young.

Another explanation for the lack of tumours in ancient remains is that tumours might not be well preserved. Dr. Zimmerman has performed experimental studies indicating that mummification preserves the features of malignancy and that tumours should actually be better preserved than normal tissues. In spite of this finding, hundreds of mummies from all areas of the world have been examined and there are still only two publications showing microscopic confirmation of cancer. Radiological surveys of mummies from the Cairo Museum and museums in Europe have also failed to reveal evidence of cancer.

As the team moved through the ages, it was not until the 17^th century that they found descriptions of operations for breast and other cancers and the first reports in scientific literature of distinctive tumours have only occurred in the past 200 years, such as scrotal cancer in chimney sweeps in 1775, nasal cancer in snuff users in 1761 and Hodgkin’s disease in 1832.

Professor David – who was invited to present her paper to UK Cancer Czar Professor Mike Richards and other oncologists at this year’s UK Association of Cancer Registries and National Cancer Intelligence Network conference – said: “Where there are cases of cancer in ancient Egyptian remains, we are not sure what caused them. They did heat their homes with fires, which gave off smoke, and temples burned incense, but sometimes illnesses are just thrown up.”

She added: “The ancient Egyptian data offers both physical and literary evidence, giving a unique opportunity to look at the diseases they had and the treatments they tried. They were the fathers of pharmacology so some treatments did work

“They were very inventive and some treatments thought of as magical were genuine therapeutic remedies. For example, celery was used to treat rheumatism back then and is being investigated today. Their surgery and the binding of fractures were excellent because they knew their anatomy: there was no taboo on working with human bodies because of mummification. They were very hands on and it gave them a different mindset to working with bodies than the Greeks, who had to come to Alexandria to study medicine.”

She concluded: “Yet again extensive ancient Egyptian data, along with other data from across the millennia, has given modern society a clear message – cancer is man-made and something that we can and should address.”

wendy 1, idiot family 0.

need to get the hell out of dodge.

Check out these great videos.

Strange.

This is just embarrassingly bad.

So, since doing all the things i should be doing didn’t work, i’m going to just pretend i’m not sick.  not only will i pretend i’m not sick, i will do the opposite of what everyone tells you you need to do when you are sick.

today i will go on bike ride, drink pabst, smoke a cigar, stay out late, and not gargle with salt.  i will get back to you on my progress, blogosphere.  unless i’m too busy getting trashed.